I have
been meaning to resume blogging for a while, but needless to say these
intentions were thwarted by an all-consuming personal challenge I undertook
over the past few months. I have been training for an open ocean swim in
support of Cure Cancer Australia. What I thought was going to be a fitness and
fundraising challenge ended up also being a battle with myself and with my deep-seated
anxiety over a fear of the ocean that I didn't know I was housing.
I have
learned some important lessons about myself – and about the way that I
conduct and teach - along the way, and will use my foray back into the CE
blogosphere to reflect on these lessons.
I started
struggling early on. Despite being a
strong swimmer I started having panic attacks in the ocean, and on occasion
having to be rescued and brought back to the beach on a surfboard. And then I started to panic on the way to
ocean swimming training, or when just being near the beach and thinking about
swimming in the ocean. Anyone who has
struggled with panic and anxiety can tell you that the anxiety about the
anxiety is the worst part of anxiety because that is what stops you from doing
things, and makes the anxiety spiral beyond a particular situation or
circumstance.
I started
to feel disappointed in myself and beating myself up over this anxiety which
was quickly consuming me and spilling over into everything else; I started
feeling like it was too much, like I was in over my head (literally and
figuratively), and I started thinking of pulling out. I was disappointed in myself, as worried
about failing as I was about drowning, plus worried that I was letting my team
and my family and friends who were supporting me down.
I shared
my anxiety with CW and MD – wise women who I am lucky
enough to conduct and to have as friends.
Both encouraged me by telling me to ‘conduct’ myself. And in my
anxious state I thought that if I failed I was going to be letting them, and
all of my other participants, and all of Conductive Education down too -- if I
couldn’t ‘conduct’ myself, how could I imagine I
could conduct others? Very unhelpful
headspace; not at all in the positive and be kind to yourself approach I would
like to think I encourage my participants to use when they are trying to work
through something difficult.
However,
within the brilliant advice ‘conduct yourself’ was the answer – it enabled me to change my
thinking and headspace. I had to step
back and remind myself what was important in CE as I tried to figure out how to
‘conduct myself’. Conductive Education is not a judgement on
success or failure but about trying, and then trying again, and then trying
something different, and continuously seeing new solutions when one doesn’t work. It is about rewarding effort so that our fragile
egos are not defeated by failure. It is
about not giving up because something is not working or going to plan, being
willing to have another go.
I had to
remind myself to value and celebrate small achievements and steps along the way
to the bigger goal. I had to remind
myself to focus on what was going well and on building on that instead of
dwelling on what was not working. I had
coaches and mentors believing, I could do it even when I didn't believe I could
- how powerful to accept their vision instead of letting my own disbelief hold
me back! I didn’t always believe I was going to be able to do it but
knowing that someone else believed in me made me think that it was going to be
possible.
I was
training with a group but so caught up in my own anxiety that I thought I was
the only one struggling – I had to look beyond myself
and connect to the journey and struggles of the others I was training with, to
learn from them, to let them teach, inspire, and help me, and to accept their
encouragement; to let them lift me. I
also had to remember that I was doing this for them – someone actually told me that the reason they came back
after they had a rough ocean training session was that they saw me keep coming
back and trying, knowing how frightened I was.
Who would think that watching me struggle with my anxiety could inspire
someone else? I stayed with it because of the support of this group and our
shared goal, because people kept supporting me when I was struggling - even
more so in fact. The shared goal was
bigger than the physical challenge – we were all there with
personal reasons for wanting to fundraise for cancer research and this made for
a powerfully connected group, a group of individuals prepared to put their own
personal glory aside for the benefit of a teammate and friend. I nearly missed out on being a part of this
group because I couldn’t see beyond myself, and I
think back to some of the amazing groups I have conducted over the years and
remember times when my participants have surpassed expectations because they
were lifted and inspired by the group they were working with.
I stayed
with it because of the amazing support and encouragement from people around me beyond
my training squad - family, friends, clients, and especially my husband
Alexander and his constant, quiet, non judgemental support and ability to stand
by me on this self imposed personal hell.
During the worst of the anxiety I was feeling more anxious with every
new donation or encouraging message because I was worried I’d be letting everyone down.
I had to step back to realize that people were supporting me
unconditionally, supporting that I was even trying, and applauding how hard I
was trying. I had to stop feeling like I
was failing so I could remember to be grateful for the people around me
supporting me. And remember to be grateful
that I was able to take part in something like this, and be grateful for the health
and wellness of the people around me, and be grateful that I live in such a
beautiful place and that I had the opportunity to be doing something like this
somewhere so wonderful for a cause I am passionate about.
There
were other conductive lessons – the personal experience of
using breath, rhythm, and movement; counting while moving – counting strokes, counting breaths, guessing how many
strokes to the next buoy, singing to myself while swimming – I pulled out many of my favourite tricks of the trade
during training.
I had a
real dose of lessons in setting the wrong goal; lessons in having to change the
goal along the way; lessons in breaking a large goal into bite sized bits,
lessons on working on different segments of the goal, sometimes out of
sequence, and letting go of the big goal in order to be able to do what I
needed to do to work towards it – seeing the trees not just the
forest. I also had a real dose of what
happens when you train the wrong thing --
I was trying to physically out-train anxiety instead of trying to learn
how to manage the anxiety. When I
shifted the focus of my training and focussed on the right thing I was able to
move forward.
There
were also experiences that really made me relate to what I see with my
participants during CE sessions. For
example, sometimes the more you think about something the harder it gets;
sometimes fear of failing actually can interfere with trying. When I was stressed or anxious I had trouble
taking in instructions and remembering things and the more information I was
being given when I was feeling like that the more frazzled and overloaded I
became – and I thought about times
when I have overloaded my participants.
I had to
learn how to admit I was struggling; I had to ask for help; I had to accept
help that was being offered and trust in the people who were helping me. I had to find a way to be the best that I
could be in even the hardest and most frightening moments and to know that I
was doing my best and accept that effort, even if it wasn’t as good as someone else’s effort – in other words to judge myself on my best effort in a
particular moment, to be orthofunctional.
Such big battles I had with myself over things that I regularly expect
of the people I conduct!
I could
go on. But if you’ve read this far you deserve a happy ending already and I
hope that this will suffice. I made
friends. I completed the training
program and a 3km swim in an ocean rock pool.
I was part of an immediate team that fundraised nearly $40 000 and our
team was a part of a much larger team that has now raised over $500 000 for
Cure Cancer Australia. On the day of the
open ocean race mother nature flexed muscles bigger than mine and the swim
conditions were too dangerous for many of us – though many in my team did
complete the event on the day I did not, but I still felt good about my
achievement and effort. I battled myself
on many fronts and won – or at least learned when I
couldn’t win. And I learned to conduct myself in the ocean,
the real one and the unpredictable and ever changing ocean of life.